You have Lee in your pocket
LEE ZION, EDITOR
Harrison County Times-Reporter
A few years ago, I had an experience that is, well, weird. I share it with you so the people who haven’t met me yet get an idea of what sort of person they’re dealing with.
Anyway, I went into a thrift store and got myself a pair of blue jeans that looked nice. I bought them without trying them on, because I had a trick that allowed me to test if the pants fit without bothering with the changing room.
Once, a long time ago, I got a scar on my arm, resulting from me not being careful draining the deep-fat fryer at a fast-food place. It was painful, not to mention embarrassing. But, in addition to teaching me about my own stupidity, the scar had a useful side effect.
Simply put, any time I wanted to buy a pair of pants, all I had to do was hold the waistband in my hand and stretch the pants along my arm. If the other end of the pants lined up with the scar, then the pants fit. If the pants fell short of the scar, they’d be too tight. If the pants extended beyond the scar, then they’d be too loose.
A simple test. The other thing to check for is if the pants were too long. That test was simple, too. Hold the pants at waist level and see where the pant legs ended.
And this is the difference when men and women buy clothes. If a man wants to buy a shirt, he looks at the overall style, the size, the color and the price. Sometimes, he might consider the fabric to see if it’s machine washable. If all of these work, he buys the shirt.
The process takes less than five minutes.
Whereas, a woman will spend an hour considering what else in her closet that blouse goes with. Then, she will have to accessorize. This is why women’s shopping is torture for men. And why men’s shopping is so confusing for women.
Anyway, I got my jeans in less than five minutes and left the store. A few days later, I put them on. They fit perfectly.
Until —
I tried to put my wallet in my pocket and discovered that the wallet wouldn’t fit. The pockets were half-size. Half pockets! That’s when I realized: These were women’s pants.
Nothing about these jeans suggested that these were for women. They were in the men’s section. They didn’t have a brand name that suggested femininity, like “Anne Klein.” And the tiny amount of bling was noticeable only when I started looking for it. If it weren’t for the pockets, I could have worn them, and people would have commented favorably on my look
Instead, I thought back to a time when I was with my then-girlfriend. She was carrying a novel she was reading, and asked me to hold on to it for a few seconds. I took it and put it in the pocket of my jacket, and she was stunned and impressed. Her words: “Men’s. Pockets.”
So this thing about pockets is endemic to women’s clothing. Apparently, modish women are supposed to be concerned about the “line” of the outfit, and having useful pockets would disrupt that fashionable look. You’d think that after all these centuries, society would have progressed to the point where utility would be more important than vanity.
But apparently, women have been brainwashed into accessorizing. Or the thieves’ and armed robbers’ union has successfully lobbied to make sure that women are forced, against their will, to carry pocketbooks, which are easier to steal.
Whatever the case, I have emerged from the jeans ordeal having learned a lesson that cost me five bucks.
Also, the trick with using my scar to measure pants doesn’t work as well nowadays. The scar is less visible now. Also, I have lost weight since then, so I have to extrapolate: A few inches before the scar.
About a year ago, a sympathetic woman taught me another trick for sizing pants: Wrap the waistband around your neck. If the waist wraps around, and the two ends meet, the pants will fit perfectly. I’ve tried this trick a few times, and so far, it seems to work.
So, as far as what lessons you can learn from this story, other than how to try on pants?
Simple, I am a committed journalist and storyteller. I will create stories that inform and — I hope — entertain. And if you want to know what’s going on in Harrison County and Missouri Valley, you have me in your, well, pocket.
